The aching not enough feeling:
In such testing times,pandemic continues to deepen the dilemma, lethal blows on several businesses, jobs – people are left with uncertainties, restlessness and dwindling hope but I have learned one thing, blog about everything.I have a bad habit of consistently searching for all the ways I don’t measure up like …but I’m not good enough, doing enough, being enough, and trying hard enough.
Within a span of seconds( time frame), my head was filled with all the things I thought I lacked(self sabotage). An empath, by nature ever since childhood-always others priorities overruled mine as not being able to say no became my weakness over the years , I’ve had a deep-rooted desire to not hurt others no matter what? We are a family of OVERSTIMULATED-EMPATHS. This is definitely not called people pleasing habits but rather a self-destructive one. The shunning and ostracization I endured due to my dear nagging mother led to approval-seeking habits that I still carry with me today when i feel low.
The picture below specifically mocks my credibility, whenever down this keeps popping up on my mind lol!We sometimes keep referring ourselves as a white crayon in the coloring pencil box of life. I know most of us are feeling the same.There are all of these other beautiful colors to be put to good use, but the white crayon just kind of sits unused there and tends to get overlooked and lost. Just just exist and not serving any specific purpose. And at this time, we sort of can’t, except coming up with demeaning nicknames for self.this kind of self sabotage blinds your vision.In the whole picture highlighting only you. Depression is a choice attempting t control life from happening. Turn to habits to keep mind some serious job.
Re-calibrate Relationship With Yourself
Everyone faces lowest of lows like these but never mind.I am sort of myself dealing with self doubt and trying to swallow the fact that I might never be able to make any impact in the world….hmm!! not such a big word “impact” at least my presence felt. I honestly feel like I don’t matter at all. I thought that in order to feel like I really mattered or that I was doing something worthy enough, I had to be doing something big— a feel good factor not for attention.
We live in a society where the little things we do often get unnoticed and it has a way of making us believe that those things don’t matter. They do. Compassion, understanding, small acts of kindness, or a willingness to simply reach out to others in any way can all make a huge difference. It saddens me further when I see people literally begging for work on LinkedIn with thousands of likes and outreach messages.
Everyone has a legacy of insecurity. I want to share a few real life examples of little things making a big difference, including my own story in which I realized this fact. I soon understood that life doesn’t always turn out the way we plan and that we don’t have to have it all figured out.This realization helped me focus on what I really wanted to be doing. I didn’t always follow that inner child or guide because external influences(values, society,family, Customs, Beliefs, Expectations, Traditions, Habits)always seemed of utmost importance. I let these forces to pull me in all directions,while I was falling to pave my own path to think for myself.
Way back to be frank, I almost believed it wasn’t possible to think for myself because I had spent my whole life relying on opinions of others to get guidelines and what to decide.
Turn inwards and analyse:
Analyzing what is wrong is by default the initial step of everything. Rather than asking why me? It is more of thinking and analyzing why I am down for certain reason. A lot of times we know the upper layer of why we aren’t feeling good. For example, someone’s behavior, or a failed plan.Separating fact from personal fiction requires attitude shift.But in our mind we already have a plan B it’s only that we keep looking at the failed plan with remorse too long ,because of attachment and effort put to it.
Every new product /goods, contains a user manual but sadly we are born without such manual, not given a blueprint with set algorithm to cope with life’s ups and downs or no Thesaurus for emotions chronologically arranged or no instructions booklet that tells for fear turn to page 19, for worry turn to page 21 and for anxiety page 15. If one is overwhelmed by emotions like pain, anxiety & depression.
And at that time I remembered “All the World’s a Stage” by William Shakespeare. There is only performance without rehearsals. We act, react and respond on the spot for the irreversible moments. Life is series of actions, consequences, reactions and repeat … a chain reaction.Every next action is to nullify the prior action.
What You Do And Think Matters
Seemingly, this is a factor of how you are feeling ‘in’ the moment which in turn depends on the type of thoughts that run in your mind throughout. The most successful people are always looking for ways to improve. They aren’t content accepting their shortcomings or resting on their laurels. Top performers put time and energy into being their best self. No wonder people were so much consumed in fast track life, over indulgence resulted in prescribed medication i.e, antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and tranquilizers —a pill,and then another, and another, and another after that .. and what not? Every one is so much concerned about the treating the symptoms, but no one is addressing the root cause(underlying issues that lead to depression).
And you’d say we know the reason, but this is just what we want to tell ourselves. In reality, there are a number of feelings attached to it. Because nobody cares when something doesn’t go as planned. Everybody reacts to a situation in a different way, and hence, we all have our reasons to behave in a certain way.Like for example loosing a wallet,not every one reacts in same way-some panic, some cry , some curse, some loose their mind as if lost everything,some go to an extent of abusing,some will act like CID or for some will be optimistic saying it was meant to be lost.All depends upon the orientation of mindset. So you might feel that way because you have less experience of going through such situations or simply you have high expectations. And this is the core reason, a reason that is easier to work on when you know the roots.
We seek advice (career, relationships, investments etc.) and rely on (family, books, influencer’s, motivational leaders and spiritual leaders) to guide us, what &what not to do. While advice from these sources can certainly help (it’s how we learn new perspective and gain insight,) we must still honor that quiet suppressed silent voice that lives inside us all that tells us what is right (yes, your gut feeling) .We must ask ourselves what we really want and be true to our own opinions and insights .It’s not called being selfish but rather will save regrets later. That subtle voice is your soul; it is there for a purpose.
Learning to keep pace with the times can help you understand yourself better and make bold decisions. But the first and the foremost thing to do is to trust it.
To be happy you don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be real and accept yourself as you are because you are already enough.